Leave A Rose For What Might Have Been
by MKAmericanhero
Summary: If you haven't seen the finale, DO NOT READ THIS. SPOILERS! My way of dealing with the ending, one shot
1. Chapter 1

**If you haven't seen the season finale, don't read this.**

Everything went by in a blur, she heard her mother speaking, but when she said 'body bag' the words all blended together and rang in her ears. She wasn't even aware that she was fighting to get to Maya until she felt Spencer wrap her arms around her waist and refuse to let her go. Without warning her knees gave out and Spencer was now supporting her weight entirely, with Aria and Hanna trying to help. She didn't know she was crying until her vision blurred and she didn't know she was screaming out 'no" until her throat hurt. She could fell Spencer's arms around her, holding her, hugging her close to her, whispering soft soothing things in her ear, trying to stifle her own tears in an effort to comfort Emily. The girls and Pam all tried to move Emily inside but it was pointless; Emily was heartbroken and moving hurt too much, breathing hurt too much, crying seemed to be the only thing she could do with any ease. After a few minutes, minutes that seemed to drag on forever, Emily felt someone pick her up bridal style and start to carry her inside. When she brushed away her tears she saw that it was Toby, who apparently saw the lights and came running.

They walked inside and Toby sat down on the couch with Emily in his lap, while the girls stayed standing, not really knowing what else to do. Toby tried to say that it was ok, but Emily lashed out against him, trying desperately to push him away, telling him to leave her alone. He tightened his grip on her and held her closer, "no one is leaving you alone and you can fight me as hard as you want, but I am not letting go." Emily continued to struggle against him mostly out of frustration and abject pain, until eventually she stop and clutched at Toby jacket like it was her only life line.

"She was mine." She almost screamed it into Toby's chest.

Toby kissed her head. "I know she was." The rest of the sobbing was all non verbal and seemed never ending. The girls called their parents to tell them what happened and that they would be staying with Emily that night. Within ten minutes everyone's parents were arriving at the Fields house. They knocked on the door and a very defeated looking Pam Fields answered the door and ushered them in so that they all stood in the foyer of the house. They could see into the living room and worse they could hear what was going on. Emily's crying had softened, but it was still audible. Their daughters were sitting on the floor around Toby who was still holding onto Emily. Emily had Spencer's hand in a vice grip and Aria and Hanna were trying anything they could to help their friend. Ashley was the first parent to break the silence.

"And they are sure that it's her?"

Pam shook her head, "they'll be able to say for sure sometime tomorrow, but they were almost positive."

"Are you sure you don't want us to take our daughters home, leave you and Emily to work through this together?" Ella offered.

"I don't think she'll let them leave and when the tears stop and the full pain sets in, she'll need them, whether she knows it or not." All the parents let a bag for their children in the upstairs bedroom and quietly left. Before she left Ashley walked into the living room and kissed the top of Hanna's head and then leaned over and did the same thing to Emily. Emily looked up at the familiar face and through her tears said, "it hurts." Ashley knew parenting was going to have moments that she wouldn't know how to handle and having the girl who was like her second daughter, tell her that her heart was hurting was one of those times. She gave Emily another kiss on her head, "I know it does honey and I'm so very sorry that no one can fix it." Emily turned away from her and back to Toby, allowing Ashley to leave the room. About an hour later Emily had literally cried herself to sleep and Toby managed to get her upstairs and into her bedroom before leaving to let the girls try to get her dressed for bed instead of leaving her in her dress. After some work they managed to get Emily into PJ's and they all spread out in the room with Spencer sharing the bed with Emily.

The next day confirmed the worst and didn't help Emily's state of mind. Over the next few days the girls basically set up camp at Emily's house trying to help her. She stayed home from school, mostly because Pam couldn't get her to put on anything other than PJ's and she was still refusing to talk about anything that had happened. That Thursday, while the girls were at school, Ella and Ashley stopped by the Field house to check in. Pam answered the door and waved them in as she finished her phone call, "yes, so the funeral is going to be this Saturday. You want her to say something? No, of course, I know they were dating but I'll have to ask Emily, this whole thing has torn her apart. I'll let her know and I'll call you back later this evening. Ok, bye bye."

"Who was that?" Ella asked.

"Maya's mother, she asked if Emily would give the eulogy at the funeral."

"Do you think that she'll be up for that?"

"I hope so, she'll never forgive herself if she doesn't say goodbye her own way. But how can I ask my teenager to eulogize the person she loved? This is a complete nightmare and I still need to go run a few errands, but I can't leave her here alone."

"I'll stay." Ashley offered.

"We'll both stay." Ella added.

"You're sure?"

"Of course." Pam smiled and grabbed her purse. "I'll be back in half an hour tops. My best advice is that if she is playing music its good and silence is terrible. Last time she was quiet up there I asked if she wanted to pick out a dress for the service and she broke a lamp."

"We can handle it." Pam nodded and walked out of the house. Ella's head perked up when she heard some music from upstairs. "you think she'll get through this?"

"She just lost another person she loved, first Allison now Maya, I wouldn't have made it through one, but I hope she can find a way through this. Pam said she was talking to the therapist, but she hasn't been sleeping much and Pam's just afraid she is internalizing everything." The music changed, it sounded less like the radio and more like an actual guitar. Both women looked at each other before heading up the stairs toward Emily's room. As they neared the room they heard the music and they heard singing, they heard Emily singing. They stood at the door and listened as the girl sat on her bed with pictures of Maya and her scattered on the mattress.

_You're ashamed about  
>all your fears and doubts<br>and how I hurt you.  
>Can you make it back from the aftermath<br>And how I left you_

_Nobody wants to be alone,  
>with the fear of letting go.<br>If you could hear me say  
>It`s gonna be okay<br>would you be okay_

_And though I`ve gone away  
>I still see what youre going through.<br>It kills me everyday,  
>to know I killed what meant most to you.<br>So when you pass my grave,  
>leave a rose for what might have been.<br>But know that it`s okay  
>to shed your fears and find love again<em>

_For better or worse you`re the one,  
>I never thought I`d hurt<br>But looking back on these dreams  
>nothing is what it seems;<br>…know that you`ll wake up to better things_

_And though I`ve gone away  
>I still see what you`re going through.<br>It kills me everyday,  
>to know I killed what meant most to you.<br>So when you pass my grave,  
>leave a rose for what might have been.<br>But know that it`s okay  
>to shed your fears and find love again<em>

_I hear you say  
>I don`t know how and I don`t know why<br>but there will come one day  
>when I will tell you all the things inside.<br>Just know theres someone above you to help you!_

_And though I`ve gone away  
>I still see what you`re going through.<br>It kills me everyday,  
>to know I killed what meant most to you.<br>So when you pass my grave,  
>leave a rose for what might have been.<br>But know that it`s okay  
>to shed your fears and find love again<em>

As the last note died Ashley and Ella were stunned, they didn't know Emily could play an instrument or sing, but mostly they were surprised that she finally was dealing with her feelings somehow. Emily looked up and saw them standing there.

"Hi."

"That was beautiful Emily." Ella smiled.

"Most mothers would be afraid of the lyrical content, they would think I'm suicidal."

Ashley took a step into the room, "are you?"

"I hate life right now, I'm sad all the time, I cry in my dreams and when I wake up, and I lost the person I loved more than anything else in this world. I hate life, but not enough to take my own; I still have too many people here that love me to leave them."

"So that's a no?" Ashley asked.

"I'm not going to kill myself no. I just need some time to be sad and for everyone to stop saying that everything happens for a reason."

"Sometimes they do." Ashley offered.

"No, this didn't happen for a reason or if it did it's a fucked up reason. I can still hear her laugh, I can still smell her perfume on my clothes and I can still remember how perfect she looks first thing in the morning when she wakes up. She was so important to me and now she's gone, tell me how that's fair?"

Ella shrugged, "I can't honey, I'm sorry."

"You all wonder why I haven't said much the last few days, or why I haven't come down and gone to school. No one has been able to help me, so I have had to find a way to feel better on my own. Otherwise, I'd throw the covers over my head and become a shut in. Call me crazy if you'd like, but the only way I'll ever be able to be happy with another woman ever again is if I can say goodbye to her my way."

"We just want to make sure you have support Emily. We just want to make sure that you're ok." Ella pointed out.

"I'm not ok, my girlfriend is dead, I'm not ok. But in time I will be."

"That's all we needed to hear. We can leave you alone if you'd like?"

"I think I'm going to take a nap."

"We'll be downstairs if you need anything." They left her room and returned to the kitchen. "You think she's telling the truth?" Ella asked.

"That she'll be ok in time? Yeah, she meant that; right now she is going through hell but one day she'll find her way back to being happy. Time really does heal all wounds, or at least makes them hurt less."


	2. Hope

The Friday before the funeral was set to happen Emily decided that she needed to go back to school and at least make the rumors about her being dead as well go away. Pam was not happy about Emily's choice, but she knew Emily had made up her mind and that was going to be the end of it. Emily fixed her dress and made sure her hair was lying properly before she went downstairs where her mother was packing her lunch. "You know that if it gets to be too much you can come home right? Just call me and I'll say you can come home."

Emily nodded and forced a smile, "I'm sure I'll be ok. If I don't go back today next week will be worse. Besides I'll have the girls with me most of the day, I'll be fine."

"Who are you trying to convince, me or you?" Pam gave her daughter a knowing glance. Emily opened her mouth to say something, but then swallowed it. "I would love to stay in my room and forget that this is happening, but that isn't healthy and….and she wouldn't have wanted me to do that to myself, she loved me too much." A heavy silence settled in the room and only the clock chiming broke it. "I'll be late if I don't leave now. I'll check in later." Emily grabbed her lunch and gave her mother a kiss on the cheek before heading to her car. The drive to school was all muscle memory and Emily was shocked when she found herself already pulling into a parking spot. She grabbed her stuff from the backseat and headed to first period. The looks she was getting were expected; some were of pity, most of them were of pity actually and before she lost her composure, Emily felt pressure on her right side. She looked up to see Spencer standing next to her, her arm linked with Emily's. "You picked the best day to come back; we are watching movies in two classes." Emily smiled and was internally thankfully that her friend knew better than to ask how she was doing. "Emily are you listening to me?" Emily focused back on her friend, "sorry just a little tired. What were you saying?"

"I was asking if you think you are going to make up the assignments you missed?" Emily reached into her bag and pulled out a large stack of papers and files. "Already done and organized by class."

"And I thought I was on top of school, this must have taken you days Em."

"When you don't sleep that much you have to find something to do, I figured school work was a better course of action then sitting in the dark crying." Spencer stopped walking and grabbed Emily by the hand and led her into an empty classroom. "I know that you don't want to be asked how you are doing, or told that people are sorry for your loss, but I'm going to give you a hug right now and tell you I love you and you are going to tell me that you know that we are all here for you." Spencer briefly hugged Emily tight before letting go, only to find that Emily hadn't let go of her grip on her friend. She wrapped her arms around Emily again and just left them there as it became clear that Emily had already begun crying. When Emily pulled away she tried to brush the tears out of her eyes, but the damage was done and her eyes were red around the edges.

"Sorry, thought I could at least make it to lunch before that happened."

"Don't you dare apologize to me for crying, you lost your girlfriend, you're allowed to cry."

"But I've been crying for days, at one point I ran out of tears, literally. I just don't know what will make it better, I thought that maybe distracting myself with school would work, I mean nothing else has."

"Maybe it's too soon for you to be back here Em, but if you want to try we will be there for you all day long, ok?" Emily smiled and nodded, "it's ok if you ask me how I'm doing, just don't make me out to be the crazy lesbian who can't take three steps without crying." Spencer laughed at the small attempt at humor and the two walked back into the hallway. As promised the first two classes they had we all about watching movies and taking notes on them. When third period rolled around Emily settled into class and soon felt someone hug her from behind. She knew from the perfume that it was Hanna and when she looked up she saw she was right. "God I missed you in this class, without you here to make faces with, I've been forced to pay attention, I think my grades might have gone up." Emily giggled, "my deepest apologies for affecting your GPA so positively."

"I suppose you are forgiven, just don't let it happen again." Hanna flashed her a smile and they made small talk until Ella walked into the classroom to start class. She smiled at Emily as if to silently check and see if she was alright. Emily returned the smile and opened her notebook. Maybe she could make it through today without it being too much. When the bell rang the two girls made their way through the hallway and met up with Aria. Fourth period passed by without anything interesting happening and when the bell rang the girls met up with Spencer for lunch they all headed for the cafeteria.

The four of them were chatting happily as they walked, but as they passed the main entrance of the school they realized that they no longer heard Emily's voice. When Spencer turned to look she saw Emily about ten feet behind them, frozen in her tracks. When Spencer walked over to her she realized why she had stopped and she was currently kicking herself for letting them walk through the main hallway. The main hallway passes through the front of the school and spills out into the cafeteria and right before the cafeteria there is a glass display case and a bulletin board. Usually used for trophies and special announcements, it was currently a memorial for Maya. Pictures of her were everywhere and because Emily was one of the few people she spent time with, most of them were of the two of them together. Letters and rest in peace signs littered the area around the pictures; it looked like those roadside memorials that people construct after someone died in a car accident.

Spencer put her hand on Emily's shoulder, "Em, Emily, come on honey let's go get some air." Emily stood perfectly still, her eyes glued to the picture in the center of the board: it was one that Emily had taken when they first met, before they started dating. She wanted to cry she really did, but nothing happened. The lack of tears worried Spencer and by this point Aria and Hanna were standing behind Emily waiting for a reaction. A few people walking by looked and whispered which made Emily shut her eyes in an effort to block out everything around her. Aria broke away from her friends and ran to go get her mother who she was hoping was still in her classroom. When she returned Ella was two steps behind her and had the same look of concern on her face. The presence of a teacher made everyone else scatter and left the girls in the hallway with Ella.

"Emily, honey, why don't we go into my classroom for a bit. You girls can eat your lunch in there." Ella placed her hand on Emily's shoulder which caused the teenager to flinch. Ella backed off slightly and wrote a text message before trying again. "Emily, if you want to go home I can call your mom and get you a ride home."

"I have a car." It came out in a whisper. Ella smiled, "I know you do sweetie, but you are in no shape to drive." Emily reached out to the make shift alter and took one of the pictures off. She held it in front of her and then showed it to Ella, "that was taken before our first date; we went to a movie and ended up not watching any of it." Emily laughed a little and Ella smiled cautiously. "No one ever made me feel like that. Not Ben, not Ali, no one. Every time she kissed me I could feel how much she loved me, I could practically taste it. I wasted so much time being afraid of my feelings for her. I wasted time we ended up not having because I was too scared to say I love you and now I would give anything that I ever thought meant anything to me just for five minutes with her. She was supposed to be my forever and someone took that from me." That did it, the realization that someone had taken Maya away from her started the tears. Ella wrapped her arms around the now sobbing teenager and tried to soothe her best she could. She eyed the rest of the girl standing there also not knowing what to do.

"Come on Emily, let's go sit in my classroom for a little bit ok?" Emily came back into reality and realized that she had just broken down in the middle of the hallway. A mix of embarrassment and crippling sadness washed over her and she started to run, she wasn't sure where but she started running. Ella stood there with her daughter and the two other girls and none of them knew what to do. "You guys wouldn't happen to know where she might have run off to would you?" The girls shook their heads, none of them were really thinking clearly at the moment.

"I have an idea." A voice came from behind them and when the girls turned around and here was Ashley. "Mom? What are you doing here?" Hanna was the most shocked.

"Ella called me, said Emily was having a tough time so I came to give her a ride home. I take it calming her down didn't work."

"She took off running and I have no clue where to start looking." The bell rang at that moment and the halls filled with student again. "You guys get to class, we will find Emily and make sure she is ok."

"But mom she needs," Aria was cut off by her mother, "Aria, what she needs is some space and then some help. I promise you when we find her and figure out how to help her I will let you all know." The three girls all shared a look before heading off to their classes. When they were out of ear shot Ashley turned back to Ella, "don't you have class now?"

"Nope it's my free period. You said that you have an idea of where she might have run off to." Ashley nodded, "I'd be shocked if she went anywhere else but the pool." Both women set off for the pool and when they were about to walk through the double doors that led to the locker rooms they could hear music playing, not loudly, but loud enough. They walked onto the landing that was about ten feet from the pools edge. There was no one in the stadium and in the otherwise still water it was pretty easy to find Emily swimming laps in the center lane. Neither woman knew much about swimming, but they knew what anger looked like and from what they could see, Emily's swimming was driven by raw anger and pain. She was going far faster than she ever had before and her strokes were more aggressive. Each woman took a seat and watched for a moment as she moved back and forth in the water. The music changed and became slowly and Emily seemed to notice because she poked her head out the water for a brief moment and then returned to swimming, this time slower and almost in sync with the music. Both mothers listened to the music and it added to how bad they felt for the swimmer.

Innocent, Confident  
>With a hint of curiosity and an air of what you see is what you get<br>Fun to be around  
>Laugh at herself<br>Never worried  
>Life is short but whats the hurry<br>Bright-eyed and ready to take on the world

Have you seen that girl  
>That everybody says I used to be<br>Have you seen that girl  
>Where along the way did I lose me?<br>Have you seen that girl

She was full of life  
>Looked on the brighter side<br>If it was worth a chance she'd take it  
>Said that life is what you make it<br>But a few wrong moves led to a few wrong turns  
>And once your burned your not the same<br>You tend to shy from the flame  
>I hate to think shes givin up her dream<p>

Have you seen that girl  
>That everybody says I used to be<br>Have you seen that girl  
>Where along the way did I lose me<br>Have you seen that girl  
>Where along the way did I lose me<br>Have you seen that girl

When the music changed once again Ella turned to Ashley, "what should we do?"

"I'm giving her one more song before I jump in and fish her out, but right now I think she needs somewhere to think and this is what works for her."

"I just wish we could do more, she seems like she's trying so hard to feel better, but its like she can't shake the depression off."

"Truth be told I don't think she'll ever be able to, not completely anyway. Pam said she was going to therapy and was doing well in that, but I honestly think that this just broke her heart beyond repair. I mean she loved Alison and then she died, she loved Maya, had a relationship with Maya and now she's dead too. When someone kills the first person you ever had sex with and loved like that…she is learning the hard way that life can be hopelessly unfair and hurt good people."

"Wait, they slept together?" Ashley had to laugh, "come on Ella, she walked around for a week like she was on a cloud and she was practically glowing, I've never seen her that happy." Ella had to laugh a little bit, "do you think we will ever see her that happy again." Ashley thought about it, "I do, but I think this is going to be a hard road back to being happy and we just need to be patient and help her through it." They both looked back at the water where Emily was clearly losing energy as the last song played.

Of all the things I've believed in  
>I just want to get it over with<br>Tears form behind my eyes  
>But I do not cry<br>Counting the days that pass me by

I've been searching deep down in my soul  
>Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old<br>It feels like I'm starting all over again  
>The last three years were just pretend<br>And I said,

Goodbye to you  
>Goodbye to everything I thought I knew<br>You were the one I loved  
>The one thing that I tried to hold on to<br>The one thing that I tried to hold on to

I still get lost in your eyes  
>And it seems that I can't live a day without you<br>Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away  
>To a place where I am blinded by the light<br>But it's not right

Goodbye to you  
>Goodbye to everything I thought I knew<br>You were the one I loved  
>The one thing that I tried to hold on to<br>The one thing that I tried to hold on to

Emily pulled herself up out of the water and was lying on the concrete exhausted and as soon as she got her goggles off she started crying as the music finished. She was singing along to the song, but it was hoarse and emotional.

And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time  
>I want what's yours and I want what's mine<br>I want you  
>But I'm not giving in this time<p>

Goodbye to you  
>Goodbye to everything I thought I knew<br>You were the one I loved  
>The one thing that I tried to hold on to<br>The one thing that I tried to hold on to

And when the stars fall  
>I will lie awake<br>You're my shooting star

Emily whispered the last line and continued crying. She only stopped when she realized that Ashley was standing over her with a towel in her hands. Ashley bent down and wrapped the towel around Emily and slowly pulled her up so that she was standing. Emily stood there and after looking at her best friend's mothers she collapsed into Ashley's arms and resumed crying. Ashley didn't care that she was getting wet from the excess pool water that clung to Emily's hair, she just wished she could make the broken heart that Emily clearly had heal faster. When the crying had softened and Emily started to calm down Ashley pulled away and made eye contact with the teenager.

"I'm going to go bring the car around to the back and then I'm going to take you home. I'll be right back I promise." Emily watched her as she left and after throwing her clothes on over her suit she sat down next to Ella. "I hate this feeling." Ell looked at Emily with concerned etched across her face. "What feeling honey?"

"The empty feeling I have in my chest. It's like someone ripped something out of my heart and now there is a big hole there that I am trying to fill with tears apparently. I feel like if I'm not thinking about her, that I'll forget her or that it means I didn't love her enough. Part of me never wants to forget her, but I don't want to spend the rest of my life pinning after my first girlfriend and not being able to move forward and find happiness. I want to get married, have children and a life…it's just." Ella held her hand and rubbed it softly, "it's just you thought you would get to have all those things with Maya."

"I know it sounds dumb. Every teenager thinks they are going to marry the first lover they have right?" Ella smiled, "I don't think it sounds dumb at all, but maybe you need to look at your relationship in a different way. Maybe she was your soul mate, just not the soul mate you were meant to marry."

"I don't understand." Ella cleared her throat and tried to explain, "sometimes we meet people in life that we were always destined to meet and they were destined to change our lives, but they were only meant to teach us how to be our true selves and then they were meant to leave. I heard a quote that I think sums it up, 'A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. A soul mate's purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, and make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life.' Maya came into your life to teach you something and change your life and because of what she did you came into your own and look how far you've come. You don't ever have to forget her, but remember what she did for you instead of what she never got to become for you." Emily gave her friend's mother a hug and she held on for a little while.

"I loved her, she made me want to stop hiding, she put up with my mom shipping her off to that dumb camp, she came back to me and I just…I loved her."

"I know you did sweetheart and for what it's worth I know she loved you too. She would want you to be happy and when some time has passed I know you will get there." Just then Ashley reappeared and Emily sat up and brushed the tears from her eyes. "Thank you, really, most people are too afraid to talk to me these days. Can you tell the girls that I'll call them later?"

"Sure thing honey, I think Ashley is going to take you to her house so I'll tell them that you will meet them there ok." Emily nodded and smiled as she walked over to where Ashley was standing. She climbed into the car and they spent the car ride to Hanna's house in silence. Ashley called Pam and explained to her what happened. Pam asked to speak with her daughter and Emily took the phone from Ashley. "Hey mom."

"Honey are you ok? I should have kept you home today."

"No mom, really it's ok, I think I feel a little bit better even though I was crying. I needed today to happen or I'd never be able to start moving forward. It still hurts, probably always will, but I think I'll get to a place where it doesn't hurt as much." Pam was surprised, this was the most optimistic Emily had sounded since everything had fallen apart and it made Pam relax a little. "Would like me to bring your things for the funeral over there, you could stay with Hanna and the girls tonight and I'll meet you at the church tomorrow?"

"I'd like that, let me ask if it's ok?" Emily looked up at Ashley, "is it ok if I stay here tonight?" Ashley smiled, "you know you never have to ask, you are always welcome here." Emily smiled and turned back to the phone, "I'll stay here mom, I just need my dress, shoes and my computer cuz it has my speech on it."

"Got it, I'll drop them off when I run my errands."

"Thanks mom, love you." Emily hit the end call button and handed the phone back to Ashley before getting out of the car. When they got into the house Ashley walked into the kitchen and Emily followed her. Emily took a seat at the counter and Ashley dug around in the fridge before looking back at the teen, "you never actually ate your lunch, what can I make you to eat?"

"I'm not really hungry."

"Emily you have to eat something. I can make you a sandwich ok, something simple?" Emily knew she wasn't going to get out of this so she nodded, "that's fine thank you." She sat there and poked at the sandwich Ashley placed in front of her and every now and then she would take a few bites and eventually she ate half of the sandwich before finally pushing it away. "Can I save the other half, in case I get hungry later?"

"I'll wrap it up for you. Is your mom going to bring over your stuff for tomorrow?"

"Yeah and my computer, I still have to finish my eulogy. Right now it sounds kind of terrible."

"I'm sure that its wonderful." Emily rolled her eyes, "you have to say that, you're a mom, but here's a rough draft of it, see for yourself." Emily reached into her bag and pulled out a folder and handed it to Ashley. Emily played with her phone while Ashley read the document carefully. When she was done, she set it down and looked up at Emily with tears in the corners of her eyes. "I'm not sure what you could change in this to make it any more beautiful than it already is, it's very touching and very honest."

"Really? When I read it to myself I start crying by the fourth line and then the rest sounds like I'm suicidal or otherwise unstable." Ashley looked immediately concerned, "that's the second time you said that in the last week."

"Said what?"

"That people will think you are suicidal. You said it the day Ella and I were watching you while your mom was out, when you sang that song."

"It's a sad song, this is a speech about death, people are going to jump to conclusions." Emily tried to shrug it off, but Ashley wasn't buying it. "Or maybe you are hoping that someone will notice how depressed you are and help you?" Ashley moved so that she was in front of Emily, "are you having those kinds of thoughts Emily?" Emily tried to look away, but it was no use. She mumbled something that Ashley couldn't hear, "what was that honey?"

"I said not anymore." Emily was more than surprised that she had said it and Ashley was more surprised than she thought upon hearing it. Emily immediately tried to take it back, "I didn't mean it like that, I just meant that I was thinking about death a lot because of all the funeral stuff and that's it." Ashley took Emily's hand in her's, "Emily, look at me and be honest with me." When Emily took a breath and looked at her friend's mother trying so hard to calm her down she lost her resolve, "I did, I did, I wanted to die so I could be with her. I had this dream where I was with her and it was amazing, I could feel her and touch her and kiss her and nothing was scary or hurtful. I never felt that kind of peace before and when I woke up I felt like I was going to be sick because all I wanted was to back there with her. I didn't go through with it, I couldn't."

Ashley had no idea where to go from here so she just kept talking, "what stopped you?"

"I couldn't do that to everyone, not again. I couldn't leave Spencer and Aria and Hanna. I couldn't do that to my parents or to you. I didn't want other people to suffer just so that I could be happy. And before you freak out further, I already told my therapist, she already made me sign something that says I won't hurt myself or if I want to I tell someone, she already told my mother who already cried about it. It's fine."

"Emily, its nowhere close to fine, but I'm glad you talked about it, and you know you can always come to me right, no matter what?"

"I know, I'm sorry that I upset everyone, it just…being with her again felt so real, coming back to real life almost seemed like a punishment. I'm glad I didn't do it though. She wouldn't have wanted me to do that." Ashley finally took a breath that she had been holding in, "We love you Emily, I know that right now that doesn't mean much, but you have so many people who love you."

Emily smiled, "I know. Do you think I could go take a shower? I'd like not to smell like pool water at her funeral."

"Of course, help yourself." Emily headed upstairs and for the first time in days she actually felt a sense of hope.

**So enough people asked for me to continue this so I am, at least for one more chapter. I'm going to do the funeral and then end it there. Maybe after that we will have the season opener to look forward to, everyone seems to think that Maya isn't really dead and I have no idea what to think so it should be interesting. Review for the last chapter.**


	3. Forever Young

**Thanks for all the awesome reviews guys. This will be the last chapter for this story, but when the show returns in a week, thank god, I might do another story then.**

About an hour later the rest of the girls walked into the Marin household and dropped their bags in the living room. They walked into the kitchen where Ashley was prepping food for dinner. Hanna gave her mom a hug before taking a seat next to her friends. "Where's Em?"

"She's upstairs taking a shower. When we found her she was in the pool and she didn't want to smell like pool water at the funeral tomorrow."

Spencer looked up and looked concerned, "she was in the pool? Was she ok?"

Ashley shook her head, "no, she was angry and heartbroken, but I think we got her to the point where she could at least calm down and know that eventually she'll get past this. I assume that you are all staying here tonight."

"If you don't mind." Aria chimed in. "We want to be there for Em and I don't think any of us wants to be alone tonight."

"Of course I don't mind. I figured you could all either bunk in Hanna's room or down here in the living room, whichever is more comfortable for you ladies." Just then the doorbell rang and Ashley went to answer it. When she returned Pam was behind her holding Emily's swim bag and a dress in a dry cleaners plastic bag. Ashley took the dress from her and hung it up in the hall closet and placed the bag near the base of the staircase.

"How is she doing?" Pam asked warily.

"I think much better." Ashley paused and whispered in Pam's ear, "she told me about the things she had shared with her therapist, the thing that she was by law required to tell you." Pam nodded her head, "I can't believe she told you."

"I didn't really give her a choice." Pam smiled, "still the fact that she told you makes me feel a little bit better, Wayne and I have been beside ourselves trying to make sure she had moved past those feelings."

"It seems like she has, I'll keep an eye on her tonight, but she seemed to be feeling much better." Pam looked over at the girls who had been watching their conversation with morbid fascination. "Well, I'll leave you guys to your slumber party and could you tell Emily that we will meet her at the funeral parlor tomorrow and then we will follow the limo to the church? Thanks again for letting her stay here." Pam headed for the door and Ashley walked behind her, "nonsense, she's always welcome here. I'll see you tomorrow Pam." Ashley closed and locked the door behind Pam and returned to the kitchen and looked over at the girls who were oddly quiet.

"You guys getting hungry, dinner will be ready soon?"

Spencer looked at Hanna and Aria before speaking up, "Mrs. Marin, not to be rude, but you and Mrs. Fields suck at whispering." Ashley made eye contact with the teenager and she swallowed hard. "How much did you hear?"

"Enough to figure out that I owe Emily a bigger hug when she gets dressed and comes downstairs. She didn't actually try anything, did she, she would have told us?" Ashley shook her head, "no she didn't, but the rest she'll have to tell you." At that moment they all heard what sounded like singing and it became very clear that they were hearing Emily singing in the shower. They all sat perfectly still as if that would make it easier to hear her as she sang.

**So many things  
>To do and say<br>But I can't seem  
>To find my way<br>But I wanna know how**

**I know I'm meant  
>For something else<br>But first I gotta find myself  
>But I don't know how<strong>

**Oh, why do I reach for the stars  
>When I don't have wings<br>To carry me that far?**

**I gotta have  
>Roots before branches<br>To know who I am  
>Before I know<br>Who I wanna be  
>And faith<br>To take chances  
>To live like I see<br>A place in this world  
>For me<strong>

All the girls shared the same look: a mix of emotional and happy**.** This was the most happy Emily had sounded since they had found Maya and it gave them a hopeful feeling hearing her sing something with such hopeful tones.****

**Sometimes  
>I don't wanna feel<br>And forget the pain  
>Is real<br>Put my head  
>In the clouds<br>Oh, start to run  
>And then I fall<br>Seein'  
>I can't get it all<br>Without my feet  
>On the ground<strong>

**There's always a seed  
>Before there's a rose<br>The more that it rains  
>The more I will grow<strong>

**I gotta have  
>Roots before branches<br>To know who I am  
>Before I know<br>Who I wanna be  
>And faith<br>To take chances  
>To live like I see<br>A place in this world  
>For me<strong>

**Whatever comes I know how to take it  
>Learn to be strong I won't have to fake it<br>Oh, you're understandin'  
>Oh, but when you come<br>And do it best  
>There ain't nothin'<br>To stoppin' east to west  
>But I'll still<br>Be standing  
>I'll be standing<strong>

**I gotta have  
>Roots before branches<br>To know who I am  
>Before I know<br>Who I'm gonna be  
>And faith<br>To take chances  
>To live like I see<br>A place in this world**

**I gotta have  
>Roots before branches<br>To know who I am  
>Before I know<br>Who I wanna be  
>And faith<br>To take chances  
>To live like I see<br>A place in this world  
>For me<strong>

**I gotta have  
>Roots before branches<strong>

Ashley smiled as she took dinner out of the oven and placed it on the table. "Give her a few minutes to get dressed then one of you go tell her dinner is ready." The girls all nodded and took a seat at the dinner table. As Ashley finished putting the food on the table Hanna ran upstairs to get Emily for dinner. She knocked on the door of her bedroom and Emily opened it seconds later. "I was just about to come downstairs."

"Well you have impeccable timing because we are just about to start eating." Both girls headed downstairs and joined their friends and Mrs. Marin in eating dinner. They chatted about random things, school stuff, pretty much everything that wasn't about death or the funeral. When dinner was finished the girls helped with the dishes and eventually ended up settling into Hanna's room. Emily was working on the eulogy on the computer, but still participated in the conversation when she could jump in and pretend that she had actually been listening. Ultimately they all decided to watch a movie and make some popcorn. Emily offered to make the popcorn and so she headed downstairs and ran into Ashley on her way down the stairs.

"Late night snacking already?"

Emily laughed, "sort of, we are gonna watch a movie and popcorn is required."

"Let me find it for you, when my mother-in-law left I never got everything back exactly the way I wanted it, you could be looking for hours." Both of them returned to the kitchen and Ashley found the popcorn in the cabinet that normally held wine glasses. She put one in the microwave and opened the second one and handed it to Emily, "Hanna usually needs her own bowl so you better make them both." Emily nodded, "I remember that from all our other slumber parties."

"Oh before I forget, you dress is hanging up I the ironing room, I didn't want it to get wrinkled in the closet." Emily left for a moment and returned holding the dress in one hand the shoes her mother had brought in the other. "I can't believe she brought this."

"What wrong dress?"

"No, this." Emily held up the red scarf that Maya had given her before they began dating. "She gave this to me when I was still dating Ben, before everything happened with him and we broke up. Emily draped it back over the dress and hung it up in the hallway. "I still feel like this is all a bad dream that I get to wake up form tomorrow, but I know that it's real."

Ashley handed her both bowls of popcorn, "you're sure I can't do anything to help you."

"No, I'd normally say I'd survived worse, but this tops Ali's murder. I'll make it through though; I don't have a choice besides I don't want to be depressed forever." Emily took both bowls from Ashley and turned to leave. "For what it's worth, I appreciate you trying to help me Mrs. Marin. Goodnight."

"Goodnight Emily." Emily went back upstairs and Ashley headed to her bedroom. Back upstairs the girls settled into their spots to watch the movie. Of course by the end of it they were all asleep, except for Emily that is. She turned off the computer and put it away in Hanna's case. She cleaned up the bowls and tucked her friends in before heading downstairs. She sat at the counter and opened her computer. The next few hours she spent finishing her final draft of her eulogy. When she was done and had printed it she sat down on the hammock outside on the back porch and started to read it over a few times. She didn't mean to fall asleep there, but she did and that is where she slept the rest of the night. Truthfully it was the most sleep she had gotten since Maya died and she needed it. At 6am Ashley woke up and headed downstairs to make breakfast. She saw Emily's computer sitting on the counter and the door to the back patio open slightly. When she opened it she was relieved to see Emily fast asleep in the hammock. She touched the teens shoulder and called her name softly.

"Emily, honey you have to wake up." Emily started to shift and opened her eyes. "You sleep ok?"

"I slept for the first time in a week." Ashley smiled, "good, come inside and eat something ok, we have to leave the house by 8:30." And just like that Emily remembered what was happening today. She stood up and followed Ashley inside where the other girls were walking into the kitchen. "Who invented 6am, they should be tortured." Hanna was not a morning person. "Hanna no one invented 6am, in fact…"

"Spencer, I'm in no mood to a school lesson on the basis of time." They all sat down and waited for breakfast to be done. When Ashley set it down in front of Emily she almost threw up and she had no idea why. She tried to force it down, but ultimately she couldn't and she ran to the downstairs bathroom. Ashley went after her and knocked on the door after the sounds of vomiting had subsided. "Emily, can I get you some ginger ale?"

Emily opened the door and shook her head, "no I'm fine, just not hungry I guess."

"Honey your stomach is upset, I think the smell of the eggs got to you and your stomach is to focused on how upset and nervous you are to think about eating."

"Maybe I'll just have some toast then." Ashley nodded and they went back to the kitchen. The other girls ate their eggs and Emily picked at her toast before excusing herself to go get ready. She used the upstairs bathroom to do her makeup and then used Ashley's room to get dressed. She put on her dress and stockings before slipping on her shoes. She played with her hair until she was happy with it and then before she headed downstairs she placed the scarf around her neck and loosely tied it. She didn't realize how long she had been staring at herself in the mirror until Hanna knocked on the door and said they needed to be leaving in the next few minutes. Emily grabbed her purse, jacket and her copy of the eulogy before heading downstairs. When she got to the bottom of the stairs everyone was waiting for her.

"You look great Em." Aria pointed out and the other girls agreed. "Everyone ready to go?" Ashley asked as all the ladies grabbed their purses. They all piled into the car and head to the funeral home where they were meeting up. When they arrived Emily got out of the car and went over to Maya's parents who explained who was riding in the limo. They all got settled and when the rest of the funeral party came they fell into a line of cars that slowly entered traffic. When they arrived at the church Emily stood at the back of the church with Maya's parents and people offered her their condolences as they walked in. When her parents arrived they both gave Emily hugs and tried to offer their support, but everything was already becoming too much for the teenager who was trying desperately to hide the tears in her eyes. The girls arrived and their parents showed up minutes later. The girls waited with Emily until the hearse pulled up and then they went inside to find their seats. They wanted to stay, but once the casket was unloaded the funeral would start and the family would walk in. When the Maya's male family members lifted up the casket and set it down at the entrance of the church both Emily and Maya's mother lost all composure they had. Maya's dad tried to comfort them, but ultimately Wayne came back outside to help support his daughter.

When they had managed to compose themselves a little bit, the music started up. The casket was brought in first and Maya's parents followed behind it, with Emily right behind them with her dad. Once they got to the alter and got the casket situated the funeral began. Emily sat in the second row behind Maya's parents: she could have sat with them, but she wanted to be next to her friends for the service. After a few prayers had been said the minister got up and turned his mike back on, "and now we will hear from Maya's girlfriend, Emily Fields." Emily took a deep breath and Spencer gave her hand a tight squeeze as she stood up. With her speech in hand Emily got up and made her way to the podium, pausing to touch the cherry wood casket as she walked past it. When she got to the podium she cleared her throat and started to speak.

"When I searched by brain for the proper way to start this eulogy the thing I kept coming back to was the irony of this situation. Maya and I never would have met if it weren't for a funeral; I was going through a terrible time in my life and then all of a sudden I saw a moving van next door where Ali used to live. When I first met Maya she had bushy, curly hair that never did what she wanted it to do and she had this bubbly personality that I grew to understand was how she always acted. As we grew closer I realized that being around her made me feel something I had never felt before and that terrified me. I wanted to be around her constantly and I didn't know why, then she kissed me and I'd like to say it all made sense and we lived happily ever after, but if that were true I would not be here today eulogizing my girlfriend. I was terrified of what that kiss meant and even more terrified that I enjoyed it. I loved her and I didn't know what to do, but she surprised me and was patient and understanding. She didn't pretend to have all the right answers but she was willing to stand by me while I figured them out, even though sometimes that meant hurting her. She supported me when I came out to my friends and helped me when coming out to my parents turned out to be much harder than I thought." Pam looked instantly guilty and if she could have she would have apologized to her daughter in that moment.

"That's not to say that our entire relationship was hardship and sadness, though sometimes it seemed as though it was. When it was just the two of us, laying on the grass at the park, or listening to music while laying on the floor of my bedroom or simply holding hands and not caring who was looking…when it was just the two of us we felt this overwhelming sense of peace. I think about our relationship and I find it miraculous that we survived what we did. Most people our ages would have thrown in the towel and given up, but we didn't. "I loved her against reason, against promise, against peace, against hope, against happiness, against all discouragement that could be." That famous quote effectively summed up our relationship; I loved her even when it didn't make any sense, I love her now still and maybe that doesn't make any sense to people, but I do. We had people try to pull us apart, but we found our way back to each other. The ties that held us together ensured that we would always come back together even if it was for a brief moment. I got her back and in the same breath she was taken from me." Emily paused and tried to will the tears not to come, but that was like telling her lungs to no longer need oxygen. She brushed them aside and continued.

"Her family was robbed of a daughter, a cousin, a niece, her classmates were robbed of a friend and I…I was robbed of the person who had captured my heart. She had the most amazing smile and I had to smile whenever she did, it was that infectious. Her voice was almost melodious and when she whispered in my ear I never wanted her to stop. She had the most caring soul and the most effervescent spirit. When she loved you, you felt it wholly and completely, there was never any doubt. I could stand here for days and say all the wonderful things I loved about Maya, but they lead back to one thing; she was my soul mate and I loved her. She changed my life in a way I never saw coming and I can never repay her for that. It took days to come to grips with the fact that she is really gone, mostly because I could still feel her; ever beat of my heart I could feel her's and I thought that that had to mean something. I wanted it to mean that there had been some tragic mistake and that she was still mine. She is still mine, she will always be mine because part of my heart died with her and part of her heart lives in mine and nothing, not even death, can steal that from us…I won't let it. It does mean something, her being my soul mate means that she will always be with me, in everything I do she will be with me. I would love to spend the rest of my life under the covers mourning her loss, but she would hate it if I did that, she loved me too much to think I would ever spend my life that sad over her. So because I love her, I will throw the covers off my head, I will walk outside and trip over the third step on my porch like I always do, I will go to school and continue my education…..I will…I will fall in love again, I will get married, I will have children and every step of the way I will know that I'm not alone because she will always be with me. If my heart is beating then she is still with me, even if it is only the spirit of her love, it will be enough to carry me through my darkest days. 'When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.' My heart is only breaking for her now because I loved her so very much in life and I find that oddly beautiful. One day I will get to see her again, but until then dreams and photographs will be what I hold onto, that and the friends and family I have surrounding me. I may never get to hold her again, but here will never be a day my heart doesn't find her." Emily looked down at the casket and in the most heartbreaking, tearful voice said, "I loved you against reason, against promise, against peace, against hope, against happiness, against all discouragement that could be…and I don't regret any of it." She stepped off the podium and walked in front of the casket; she ran her hand along the smooth polished wood and kissed the top of the closed lid. Wayne stood up and pulled his daughter into a hug, where she promptly started sobbing. They stayed there for a few minutes until she was ready to sit down.

Emily sat back down and with her friends on either side of her she continued to cry softly. At one point Maya's mother turned around and patted her on the knee and Emily stood back up and walked to the front of the church again, this time picking up her guitar.

**I always needed time on my own  
>I never thought I'd need you there when I cry<br>And the days feel like years when I'm alone  
>And the bed where you lie is made up on your side<strong>

**When you walk away I count the steps that you take  
>Do you see how much I need you right now<br>**

**When you're gone  
>The pieces of my heart are missing you<br>When you're gone  
>The face I came to know is missing too<br>When you're gone  
>The words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it ok<br>I miss you**

**I've never felt this way before  
>Everything that I do reminds me of you<br>And the clothes you left, they lie on the floor  
>And they smell just like you, I love the things that you do<strong>

**When you walk away I count the steps that you take  
>Do you see how much I need you right now<strong>

**When you're gone  
>The pieces of my heart are missing you<br>When you're gone  
>The face I came to know is missing too<br>When you're gone  
>The words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it ok<br>I miss you**

**We were made for each other  
>Out here forever<br>I know we were, yeah  
>All I ever wanted was for you to know<br>Everything I'd do, I'd give my heart and soul  
>I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me, yeah<strong>

**When you're gone  
>The pieces of my heart are missing you<br>When you're gone  
>The face I came to know is missing too<br>When you're gone  
>The words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it ok<br>I miss you**

Emily sat back down and everyone was shocked that she held it together for the entire song. The service winded down and eventually everyone filtered out and slowly made their way to the cemetery. There Emily stood next to Maya's mother and when they were preparing to lower the casket Emily went and stood where the minister had just been standing. Without any music Emily launched into the last song of the service.

May God bless and keep you always  
>May your wishes all come true<br>May you always do for others  
>And let others do for you<br>May you build a ladder to the stars  
>And climb on every rung<br>May you stay forever young  
>Forever young, forever young<br>May you stay forever young.

May you grow up to be righteous  
>May you grow up to be true<br>May you always know the truth  
>And see the lights surrounding you<br>May you always be courageous  
>Stand upright and be strong<br>May you stay forever young  
>Forever young, forever young<br>May you stay forever young.

May your hands always be busy  
>May your feet always be swift<br>May you have a strong foundation  
>When the winds of changes shift<br>May your heart always be joyful  
>And may your song always be sung<br>May you stay forever young  
>Forever young, forever young<br>May you stay forever young.

As the song ended, the casket was lowered and Emily dropped to her knees and started crying, soon her mother was behind her, but Emily refused to be touched by her. Pam didn't care; she wrapped her arms around her daughter and let her cry. When the casket was no longer visible the gravestone was visible and it read, "Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal." Eventually she got to her feet and threw a handful of dirt after the casket that held her first love and when she turned to walk away her friends walked on either side of her, their parents close behind. Her heart still felt like it was broken beyond repair, but the breeze that ran though the cemetery as they left, made her feel as though they could survive this and move on to find some form of happiness.

**Hope you all liked the ending, let me know what you think.**


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